Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Conversations with Mom

Normally I'd post some kind of disclaimer, but this post talks about boobs. I mention my boobs, my mom's boobs, and even my grandma's boobs. Every guy reading this would completely disregard this disclaimer because I've already mentioned boobs four times. Now it's five.

Me: So I went to the doctor today because I thought I had an ear infection. Turns out I've pulled a muscle in my neck.
Mom: *laughing* I swear the weirdest stuff happens to you. You can't just have some ear infection.
Me: No. I could have SWORN some creepy bug had crawled into my ear and was eating my brain. Turns out it's a muscle. It hurts so bad I even got a coworker to come and try to adjust my neck. She yelled at me for not sitting upright and said my boobs didn't help either.
Mom: Now I've never thought you had very big boobs.
Me: Mom, they're triple Ds. People pay big money for these things.
Mom: Well mine are (I think mom would appreciate if I didn't share her boob size) and I know some people with enormous boobs.
Me: I haven't had kids yet so mine are still happy and perky. Although you didn't breastfeed so yours aren't all saggy and sad. I keep telling John once we have kids he can say goodbye to these gorgeous girls!
Mom: Your grandma didn't breastfeed either and she had really saggy boobs.
Me: Thanks. I really wanted to know about grandma's saggy boobs.
Mom: *laughs*
Me: and no offense, but if grandma didn't breastfeed what did y'all eat? It's not like you had formula back then.
Mom: We were raised on karo syrup, evaporated milk, and liquid vitamins.
Me: Wow! And people want to complain about what's in formula now!
Mom: Well they just didn't have things like that back then and grandma couldn't make enough milk for all of us.
Me: They didn't believe in car seats either.
Mom: *laughs* Well no, they didn't, but you guys turned out alright.
Me: Yeah, I just have those random twitches every now and then.
Mom: That's from the wires in your head when you were born.
Me: Well at least I don't have a pointy head like Jake.
Mom: No. No you don't.

You always have to come out better than your sibling right? Also, the wires in my head were to monitor me. My parents have referred to me as their alien baby my whole life. Yeah, not going to need therapy for that one.

1 comment:

  1. I would just like to say that nursing does not necessarily doom you to National Geographic boobs. Mine are still north of my diaphragm.


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