Wednesday, August 06, 2008

How I Spent My Evening

6:30 pm: Have eaten my weight in Chinese takeout. Life is good.
7:45 pm: MIL brings over the puppy
8:25 pm: MIL leaves
8:27 pm: I tell John, Don't let me start to like this puppy too much. Last time we pet sat we ended up with a 2nd dog. *whimper, whimper, whimper* Hey! Where's the puppy? J: Taking a shit in the corner.
8:28 pm: Novelty of puppy has just worn off.
8:29 pm: John and I agree to take turns cleaning up after the puppy. He's got this one.
8:30 pm: Julie comes over to meet the puppy
8:35 pm: Puppy is adorbable because she is knocked the fuck out
9:20 Julie leaves and puppy decides to wake up again
9:30 pm: Decide to feed the puppy
9:35 pm: Puppy finishes eating, takes a pee on her pee pad and then walks into the living room and takes a giant diarrhea poop on Riley's pillow.
9:40 pm: Puppy is now forever known as Shit Stain
9:45 pm: Puppy gets locked in her crate for the night
10:35 pm: Puppy starts crying. Take her out where she takes a giant diarrhea poop in the backyard. Yay Shit Stain! You're such a good girl for shitting in the back yard!
10:37 pm: Puppy comes in and immediately pees on the carpet. I scoop her up and tell her she's going to be lucky to still be alive at the end of the week.
11:55 pm: Wake up to puppy crying. Retrieve her from her crate to find out she's shit herself again. She walks over and takes another pee and poop on her pee pad.
12 am: My husband yells that I've woken him up and asks why I'm making so much noise
12:01 am: Decide to never have children with this man.
12:25 am: I have assembled Riley's crate so that I no longer reach into the pet carrier and pull out a handful of poo.
6:45 am: Wake up to crate full of shit and shit covered puppy.
6:47 am: Crate, blankets and puppy are being hosed off on the back porch
6:50 am: Husband wakes up, walks outside scratching his balls wearing nothing but boxers and asks, "Why are you up so early?" He's lucky I did not turn the hose on him and to still be alive.
7 am: Finally get in the shower and leave puppy with the husband while I get ready
7:15 am: Hearing lots of yelling at the puppy by husband. Wish that getting ready could take all day so I do not have to deal with the puppy.
7:45 am: Puppy has been locked in her newly clean and dried crate
7:48 am: Finally convince Reese and Riley that they are safe from Shit Stain and can stop cowering in corners and under beds.
7:55 am: Call the In Laws who are acting like giddy first parents who have suckered someone in to taking their screaming baby for a sleep over.
7:56 am: Tell MIL she has just added 2 more years on to the 5 years we were waiting to have children.

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