Thursday, May 22, 2008

The German Man that Calls My House

At 4 am this morning our home phone rang. Now, the only people with our land line number are telemarketers and our family members. So instantly I wake up with that feeling of dread, feel around for the phone and say finally say, "hello?" The response I get it, "Valter?" UGH! YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!

The backstory to this is that when we first moved and got our phone installed we started getting these crazy messages on the voicemail from some German guy asking for Walter. I usually just ignored them because all I could make out in German was the name Walter (Valter). Well then the calls started coming while we were home. We would politely tell the gentleman that he had the wrong number and that there was no Walter K. here. Then one day I got a phone call at 7 am (same feeling of dread occurred as it was a Saturday and who the HELL would call me at 7 am on a Saturday). "Valter?" I explain AGAIN that there is no Walter, while the poor man insists that he is coming to see me and knows my father and keeps calling me Janalle (Walter's wife I'm assuming). After arguing with him that he is not coming to see me because he does not know me or my father, he finally asks, "are you sleeping?" I say yes and he hangs up. 8:30 am, phone rings, "Valter?" I again explain that this is not Walter's number, etc. Later that day I got a phone call from this man's son (I'm assuming) and explain that my number is apparently an old number for Walter and Janel. We don't hear from the German for a few months until today.

So at 4 am this morning I'm explaining yet again that I am not Janalle and that there is no Walter there. No, Walter did not move, no we do not know Walter, Walter cannot be reached here, no I do not know where Walter is. Goodbye.

4:15 am, phone rings, "Valter?" Repeat

4:30 am, phone rings, John answers the "Valter?" and tells the guy to stop calling because HE HAS THE WRONG PHONE NUMBER.

5 am, phone rings, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, "Valter?" Me: "LISTEN. THERE IS NO WALTER HERE. THIS IS NO LONGER WALTER'S NUMBER. IT IS 5 O'CLOCK IN THE FREAKING MORNING PLEASE QUIT CALLING THIS NUMBER!!!!" Then a very sweet lady chimes in over the unintelligible German, saying, "thank you." I got back to bed thinking Sweet Jesus it's finally over!

7:30 am, phone rings, "Valter?" Me to myself: "I am going to hunt you down and tear the phone out of your freaking wall, burn your obviously outdated address book and kick your old German ass you stupid motherfucker." To confused German man who should no longer be allowed near a phone and should REALLY examine his relationship with Walter who has obviously not called him in the past 6 months to give him his updated phone number. "Sir. As I explained earlier, this is no longer Walter's phone number. No this is not Janalle. Is that nice lady that was on the phone when you called at 5 am there? No? Is there someone else there (aside from the lady screaming at you in German in the background, unless that's the TV of course)? No? This is a BAD NUMBER for Walter. *DING DING DING* "So I cannot reach Walter at this number." *Praise Jebus!* "No, you cannot reach Valter at this number. Not anymore and not ever again." "Well how do I get to talk to Valter?" "I don't know. Do you know someone else that may also talk to Walkter and have his new phone number?" "Oh yes, perhaps Frank." "Ok, you call Frank and find out how to get ahold of Walter, but you can't do it through this number. This is a bad number." "OK."

I just checked my messages, 8:45 am, "I need to speak to Frank K. as soon as possible. Or Valter K.

UPDATE: I shared this crazy story with my admin and we started looking up good old Walter K. He and his wife Janalle live in my neighborhood. In fact they're right off the main drag. (Thank you white pages and bcad for this information). And YES, you can bet I will be marching my happy little ass right down to Valter's door and having him call his freaking friend already!

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